A Good Plodder On-er

So I am still stuck at running 5k. Not getting better but not getting worse although the last few days maybe a glimmer of improvement. I am doing my stretches and strength religiously (although as a very lapsed Catholic that might not be as good as it sounds).

In the vain hope I will be able to do at least some of the events I have planned this year I am more assiduously embracing my cycling.

The problem is, as bad as I am at running I am worse at cycling. I get quite stressed about going up hills and causing road rage or when I am cycling along a shared path on the way to work I get worried about inconveniencing dog walkers, runners, families or anyone who also uses the path. I agonise about whether I should ring my bell to warn people I am coming up behind them or just hover behind them feeling awkward. This dilemma is sometimes solved by forgetting where my bell is. I worry that my light isn’t bright enough so I can’t be properly seen or too bright I am annoying people coming the other way. I feel that I need to let drivers know that it is not a legal requirement to use cycle paths if present and in fact I am more likely to cause drivers an issue on many of the weird cycle paths on the way to work as they very often suddenly end forcing you to either brake violently or swerve into traffic. The most extreme version of this was on the way to work the other day when I was going downhill quite fast (for me) and then needed to go up a dropped kerb. I knew I was going a bit fast for this but applying my back brake was not enough, I needed to apply my front brake too. The problem was my front brake was a bit squealy and I didn’t want people to be annoyed ay me for making a squealy noise (this is in a busy area during rush hour). I decide not to apply my front brake. I hit the dropped kerb too fast fell off my bike and hit my head (fortunately with a helmet on) on a wall. I then started to worry that I would be late for work (and people would be angry). This is a valid fear generally because I am disorganised and prone to forgetting things, getting distracted etc so I worry about it a lot. Putting my chain back on slowed me down and also I was a bit more cautious and so even slower for the rest of my journey (but not late for work).

This hypersensitivity to how people perceive you is very common in ADHD people and referred to as Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (or RSD). An explanation I found in an article about it in an online magazine “Additude” goes like this

“Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an intense emotional response caused by the perception that you have disappointed others in your life and that, because of that disappointment, they have withdrawn their love, approval, or respect. The same painful reaction can occur when you fail or fall short of your rather high goals and expectations. RSD commonly occurs with ADHD, and causes extreme emotional pain that plagues both children and adults — even when no actual rejection has taken place.”

I think the real word here is “perception” because there is often no actual rejection but the thought of it, even from a stranger you will never see again can be huge. This is not exclusive to people with ADHD but is almost universal in people with ADHD. Like with all symptoms it can be better or worse in different situations but it can be disabling. It can also make you do crazy things like fall off your bike because you didn’t want to make a noise in noisy traffic. People can express rage at others to who inadvertently cause this pain or extreme people pleasing to avoid the feeling, or both. Being impulsive also can make you do things that you can instantly panic about but still do it anyway.

I don’t know if this is a brain structural thing, a brain chemistry thing or a result of continuously misreading people and being misread and not understanding what you are doing wrong through childhood. Whatever the cause it can make us ADHD people confusing to the outside world and can cause a pretty miserable internal mess.

On the up side knowing that this exists is helpful and understanding why you feel and act as you do can help enormously. It is also good when you find another person who totally gets this and you can laugh about it.

So back to the cycling. The next trip into work went better. My long suffering husband had told me that in no circumstances should I avoid applying my brakes if I needed to. I had been to Halfords for a bike check. The guy who usually mans the desk for some reason always remembers my name. I worry what I have done to make myself memorable as I don’t go that often but it’s probably better not to know. I sensibly bought a new helmet (one with a light on the back for extra visibility). I arrived at work triumphant at my success for not having any incidents and as I used my key to open the back door I slipped over and fell into a client’s car (fortunately no damage to the car) and skinned my knee so I am rocking the primary school aged child look (as long as you only look at my knee and avoid the rest of my haggard body.

This cycling has paid off, at least in Strava’s opinion and for the first time in months my fitness has stopped dropping and is even increasing. This is far more exciting than it should be and I am trying not to check it more than once a day.

I have kept going and today did my first brick session cycle-run-cycle. The photo at the start of this blog is where I stopped cycling and started running which meant I got to run on train (and through water) for the first time in months. Even though it was short it was good to be running on trails again and hopefully gives me a glimpse of what I am heading towards. Cross everything please.